Well!

It has been entirely too long... I've just been busy doing nothing. Struggling through life, trying to make heads or tails of it... Working, working, working, barely making my bills, I have no direction, I'm trying to find a way. I don't know if I want to go into law school, I don't know if I want my masters. I don't know if I want to say "fuck it" and just try to find a husband to make babies with. In one of those lulls, you know?

Someone please show me the way!

God Hates Me.

Granted, I don't blame him, I haven't exactly been a saint my entire life, but when you're jonesing for chocolate in the middle of a day and you're pretty sure you're PMSing even though you're not supposed to because you are in birth control, and all you want is a freakin' candy-bar... you don't have the machine repeatedly spit out the dollar, and then have the soda machine not give you change in which to get said chocolate.

I settled with a diet coke. Not nearly as delicious, but I am sure it is better for me.

Right now I am mulling over the Julie/Julia project (I recently saw the movie, and now am reading the blog - quite entertaining) ... It makes me think back to all of the projects I've started and never finished, like my novel. I went to write last night and as my fingers sat idly on the keyboard I wondered what the hell was wrong with me. Nothing came out. I just stared. Maybe I'll develop a mind-altering drug addiction to help me write. I need to set a goal and stick with it for a change... Do something to give my life meaning, and I haven't found anything.

I enjoyed running. And I'm not allowed to do that anymore because my back is messed up (possibly for the rest of my life). I enjoy eating and cooking, but what is the point since my stomach is the size of a golf-ball and I'll end up barfing... I enjoyed writing, until my muse abandoned me and has left me sitting in darkness for god-knows-how-long... I enjoy children, but as we all know, I'll most likely never get to have THOSE either.

When your life has no meaning or direction, what do you do? How do you figure out what direction to go? I'm like a compass that doesn't point north, just keeps spinning... and I'm getting dizzy.

When...

When is enough, enough? How much do you have to give and have to lose before you realize it just isn't worth the heartache?

They say love is patient, love is kind... But you can't change people, no matter how much patience and kindness.

The Whirlwind Effect...

It has been chaos.

But all worth it.

I'm in a comfortable job, paying back my debts, finding me, being strong, loving, living, laughing...

What more can one ask for?

The Hurry Up And Wait

It kills me. The not knowing between the go or no. I've been waiting for a phone call all day. I've been feeling less and less confident about myself as the hours tick on. All of the sudden the future I had planned out, the path that I was going to take... it is ripped from me. I just wish that I could get this over with.

Summer Cleaning?

I spent Saturday in Las Vegas. I needed it. I needed a break from everything I have been going through. I needed to clear my head and just relax. And I tried to do that. I laid by the pool and got some sun, napped in the room, saw a couple shows, spent some time with friends, and when I was maxed out... I drove home at 3am with nothing but my thoughts and whatever music I could find on the radio. It just helped give me some clarity, some direction, some peace. Nothing more in this life that I need right now than peace.

I'm going to take the GRE again. Try to get into Grad School. I am a lifelong student, and I might as well get into a program that I can use someday. Even if I don't become a famous fiction writer, I can share my craft with the young people of this world and teach them it is okay to escape. That writing is the best way to do just that.

Ask Dad to pay for the $400 class. Fingers crossed he doesn't say no. If he does, well, I guess I will have to do it the old fashioned way.

Staying Positive

Inevitably at some point in your life you are going to feel like you are drowning. Sinking into darkness, not knowing which was is up so you can know which way to kick to get to the surface and refill your lungs with the air you took for granted for so long.

Lately it feels as if I have been drowning. I can see the surface, but no matter how hard I kick I can't seem to get above to breathe.

I have been unable to find a job where I am paid what I am worth and I can use my education. My romantic life is floundering because I get stuck on the wrong person who, no matter how hard I try, wont notice me. My finances are shot, I do my best to pay my bills with the little income I have, but it doesn't seem like enough. The only thing I have to look forward to is laying down at night and sleeping, in hopes that all my thoughts and fears will disappear while I am in dreamland.

While it can be overwhelming at times, I have been trying to stay positive, remember that things like this usually are temporary and I will get through it. Remember the things in my life that I have to look forward to. Like my nephews wonderful laugh, snuffy kisses in the morning from my dog, memories I have yet to make with my friends, things that I have yet to see and do... and it helps me continue kicking, holding my breath just a little while longer because I know I will make it to the surface.

Things will get better. Just keep swimming. Eventually I will break the surface.

~K