God Hates Me.

Granted, I don't blame him, I haven't exactly been a saint my entire life, but when you're jonesing for chocolate in the middle of a day and you're pretty sure you're PMSing even though you're not supposed to because you are in birth control, and all you want is a freakin' candy-bar... you don't have the machine repeatedly spit out the dollar, and then have the soda machine not give you change in which to get said chocolate.

I settled with a diet coke. Not nearly as delicious, but I am sure it is better for me.

Right now I am mulling over the Julie/Julia project (I recently saw the movie, and now am reading the blog - quite entertaining) ... It makes me think back to all of the projects I've started and never finished, like my novel. I went to write last night and as my fingers sat idly on the keyboard I wondered what the hell was wrong with me. Nothing came out. I just stared. Maybe I'll develop a mind-altering drug addiction to help me write. I need to set a goal and stick with it for a change... Do something to give my life meaning, and I haven't found anything.

I enjoyed running. And I'm not allowed to do that anymore because my back is messed up (possibly for the rest of my life). I enjoy eating and cooking, but what is the point since my stomach is the size of a golf-ball and I'll end up barfing... I enjoyed writing, until my muse abandoned me and has left me sitting in darkness for god-knows-how-long... I enjoy children, but as we all know, I'll most likely never get to have THOSE either.

When your life has no meaning or direction, what do you do? How do you figure out what direction to go? I'm like a compass that doesn't point north, just keeps spinning... and I'm getting dizzy.

When...

When is enough, enough? How much do you have to give and have to lose before you realize it just isn't worth the heartache?

They say love is patient, love is kind... But you can't change people, no matter how much patience and kindness.

The Whirlwind Effect...

It has been chaos.

But all worth it.

I'm in a comfortable job, paying back my debts, finding me, being strong, loving, living, laughing...

What more can one ask for?

The Hurry Up And Wait

It kills me. The not knowing between the go or no. I've been waiting for a phone call all day. I've been feeling less and less confident about myself as the hours tick on. All of the sudden the future I had planned out, the path that I was going to take... it is ripped from me. I just wish that I could get this over with.

Summer Cleaning?

I spent Saturday in Las Vegas. I needed it. I needed a break from everything I have been going through. I needed to clear my head and just relax. And I tried to do that. I laid by the pool and got some sun, napped in the room, saw a couple shows, spent some time with friends, and when I was maxed out... I drove home at 3am with nothing but my thoughts and whatever music I could find on the radio. It just helped give me some clarity, some direction, some peace. Nothing more in this life that I need right now than peace.

I'm going to take the GRE again. Try to get into Grad School. I am a lifelong student, and I might as well get into a program that I can use someday. Even if I don't become a famous fiction writer, I can share my craft with the young people of this world and teach them it is okay to escape. That writing is the best way to do just that.

Ask Dad to pay for the $400 class. Fingers crossed he doesn't say no. If he does, well, I guess I will have to do it the old fashioned way.

Staying Positive

Inevitably at some point in your life you are going to feel like you are drowning. Sinking into darkness, not knowing which was is up so you can know which way to kick to get to the surface and refill your lungs with the air you took for granted for so long.

Lately it feels as if I have been drowning. I can see the surface, but no matter how hard I kick I can't seem to get above to breathe.

I have been unable to find a job where I am paid what I am worth and I can use my education. My romantic life is floundering because I get stuck on the wrong person who, no matter how hard I try, wont notice me. My finances are shot, I do my best to pay my bills with the little income I have, but it doesn't seem like enough. The only thing I have to look forward to is laying down at night and sleeping, in hopes that all my thoughts and fears will disappear while I am in dreamland.

While it can be overwhelming at times, I have been trying to stay positive, remember that things like this usually are temporary and I will get through it. Remember the things in my life that I have to look forward to. Like my nephews wonderful laugh, snuffy kisses in the morning from my dog, memories I have yet to make with my friends, things that I have yet to see and do... and it helps me continue kicking, holding my breath just a little while longer because I know I will make it to the surface.

Things will get better. Just keep swimming. Eventually I will break the surface.

~K

Pairing

This morning when I was leaving for work I saw a stray dog hurry across my yard. Shortly afterwards, perhaps a sibling dog followed behind. I thought it was interesting the way that most species pair up in life, even though they could potentially live fine on their own. It made me wonder what their story was. Whether they were siblings, or partners... How long they had been traveling together, if there was more to their pack, where their owners might be. And it got me to thinking about humans.

When other humans see a single human walking about, do they wonder what that person's story is? Why they don't have a pack? Or if they see a pair of humans, do they automatically assume they are romantically involved? It is interest to follow the human mind. The thought processes are so... erratic. We all have the ability to create other people's lives and tell other people's stories in our heads just from a glance.

Just a thought.

~K

Pushing That Paper

Somehow I managed to find a job to pay my bills. It is not really where I saw myself at this point in my life, but no one ever really sees themselves losing their jobs, not getting unemployment and running out of money (even though half of America is suffering the same problem right now). This will be a stepping stone in my life, and I just need money. I don't see myself doing this long term. I don't know, I'm not much into real estate. Just need a job to pay the bills.

Other than that, hoping to get back into a routine of going to the gym and eating healthy once I can afford food. I've been getting soft around the middle and I'm not too keen on that.

Had quite the adventure at the hair salon last Friday. Needless to say, came out with purple hair and Mom is livid because she was there to supervise the whole thing. Ha.

~K

Dreary Day

The sun has not been shining in San Diego for the past few days... it kind of makes me a little depressed. I have been craving a warm day where I can lay in the sun and read and just relax, instead of sit inside being wound up like a spring.

I did the next best thing I could think of though, I went to the gym today. It has been a while since I worked out because of my back injury, but it felt good to do it. Only jogged a couple of miles and got a good sweat going. I think it is good to be working my way slowly back into a routine. When I was training for the marathon I was doing 7+ miles a day and many more miles on the weekend. Would have been running the marathon today if I hadn't ended up being injured. There is always next year. This year has been a crap-shoot as far as accomplishing my goals.

~K

Craving Your Thoughts

It is a shame when you really want to know what someone is thinking but you don't want to ask them because you are afraid of what those thoughts might be... Why do we have to live in fear of what people are thinking? Why do we always have to worry that it is not going to be what we want it to be, so avoid asking all together? If we were all just honest with one another, wouldn't it be better in the long run for all of us?

So instead I wonder why I get the cold shoulder and only a few words here and there. I wonder if this person is going to be in my future or if I should just give up now and walk away so I can avoid having the churning in my stomach whenever I think about them. How come we can't just switch things on and off?

We make life more complicated than it really has to be. People shouldn't be afraid of feeling. Or at least telling us what is on their mind.

Another Beautiful Day In San Diego

Today, amidst the job hunting and self-loathing, a friend and I decided we should get out of the house and head to Sea World. Since funds are non-existant for me, the one stipulatin was that I couldn't do anything that cost money. Since we both in fact had Sea World passes, we headed down to San Diego (after a pit-stop in Del Mar where we ate mediocre Thai food) and made our way about the park. It was a gloomy and a bit chilly, but the animals were as lively as ever. We spent a lot of time talking about anything and watching various animals in exhibits. The most entertaining moment was watching the puffins jump off the mountain in their small enclosure and belly-flop in the water. Why it was so amusing to me, I will never know. We also had discussions about the coloration on tropical fish and the purposes they served. Sea World is a fun place to be as long as you bring your own knowledge. I remember back in the day when it was educational...rarely do you see anything education now between trying to sell various Shamu products and pushing Seasame Street on children, but at least I have the fond memories from childhood.

I think the next time I adventure out, it will be to the Zoo.

Graduation - A Right of Passage

It seems like so long ago I was gowning my cap and gown and walking on that stage to pick up my diploma. I remember not wanting to walk because it seemed like a pointless tradition, but it meant so much to my family. The day was filled with laughter and a feeling of success. I had made it through an important right of passage and was walking into the world as an adult.

Now as I am sitting here in the stands waiting for the girls who have become family to me over the many years, I realize how important it is to go through this, and how incredibly lucky I am to be able to share this moment with them. Sitting next to their family I am filled with the same pride that they have successfully completed one of the most important journies in their lives. It is something special to see two young ladies become adults.

Christina and Nicole, I am so proud of you.

~K

Unspoken Comforts

One of the things I miss the most about sharing my bed is being so close to someone that you can hear their heartbeat reverberate through their chest. Having the skin of your cheek touch their naked chest while they rhythmically breath in and out and the beating of their heart lulls you into a relaxation that very little can compete with. Or the way their heart may jump just a little as you trace patterns on their stomach or collar bones... The strong, protective grasp that makes you feel completely warm and safe inside. It those simple things that make it worth all of the unavoidable difficulties that come with sharing your life with someone. Something I miss terribly in my life, but for now I will have to settle with the snoring of an amazing bulldog and a mound full of pillows to cradle me.

~K

The 5-Second Romance

Dear Stranger,

I walked by you in a bar, didn't know your name, hardly could see your face. Your scent intoxicated me as I walked by you, and briefly I could see us tangled in the sheets, sharing out deepest secrets, growing old together. My fingers grazed you as I slowly moved past you with a gentle smile and our romance was over. The music drowned out the silent moment we had shared and you were gone. Our lives are filled with fleeting moments - thank you for sharing one with me.

~K